Wife Outside The Gate

‘I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God…’

Romans 1:16 “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.”

I believe in God the Father. John 8:49. I believe that God is the Creator of all things Genesis 1:1 and that every good thing comes from Him James 1:17. I believe in Jesus Christ God’s Only Begotten Son; I believe that He is God and that He is the Word of God and that He was with God from the beginning John 1:1-2,14,18. I believe that all things were made in Him and through Him Colossians 1:15-20. I believe the Holy Spirit is the Counselor and that He convicts me of my sin John 16:5-11. I believe that Jesus lived a sinless life on earth Hebrews 4:14-15 that I could not live Romans 3:10. I believe that Jesus was crucified Mark 15:25-39. I believe that the grave could not keep Jesus because He was righteous in God’s sight Acts 2:31-33 & Ephesians 2:19-20 & Romans 8:10-11. I believe that Jesus is seated at the right hand of God Hebrews 12:2. I believe that through Him my sins and all sins can be forgiven Acts 2:38 and that there is no other way to be saved Acts 4:12 & John 14:6.

I grew up in church

I grew up in church in a sense. I got to attend a normal American church more frequently than most secular people. In middle school I started reading bits and pieces of the New Testament particularly the gospel letters and the beginning of Revelations. I marveled at how the church I attended cared so much about the seats, carpet, color schemes, and what everyone was wearing. I didn’t see any miracles when I went to church and people sneered at those who praised God “too loudly.” The ministers constantly praised those who had achieved in the education system. Worldly success and prosperity was highly valued. I saw no one tear their clothing in mourning for their sin and I didn’t see anyone being persecuted for associating with Jesus – perhaps though for their bad personality or attitude but not related to God.

I found the first several chapters of Revelations terrifying. I could not believe that was how Jesus would talk to the church. So different than “smiling Jesus” I always saw in pictures. I thought to myself, perhaps the Lord is not impressed with how educated our congregations are or pretty seating? Perhaps we were out of line with God’s Word like most of the religious centers we see Jesus addressing in the gospels? No, I thought. That couldn’t be. Would so many people disobey God in public? I did not yet understand this scripture: Matthew 7 (13) “‘Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. (14) But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads life, and only a few find it.’”

During my college years I found myself in an abusive relationship

During my college years I found myself in an abusive relationship with someone who lied about being a christian. The relationship was not sexually pure and I had a ton of guilt about that because I loved the Lord with some of my heart and I knew my body was not being used in a way that pleased Him. It didn’t please me either to be disrespected by being given away to someone who was not my husband! The Lord delivered me from it and after dealing with a lot of disappointments in friendships and other things I was so desperate for actual love I was willing to come to Him. I started fasting from secular music to get the impure sexual desire for intimacy outside of marriage out of my heart and I began to really read the Word. One day I went to church and was so remorseful about how I had given myself away. The sermon was on Luke 15. When the pastor spoke, it was like he was talking to me directly in a very LITERAL sense. I heard God speak to me during that sermon. This is what I heard: “I know you have been abused. I also know what you have done. Just come back to me and I PROMISE you will never be abused like that again.” I was absolutely DUMBFOUNDED THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE would take me back like that. Like the woman at the well in John 4 and the repentant sinful woman who is forgiven by the Lord in Luke 7, I happily left sin for God. I was in-love with the Man who I knew could actually love me forever- that supernatural Man who was Jesus.

The Lord provided some chance encounters with true believers on my college campus. One was an atheist the year before

The Lord provided some chance encounters with true believers on my college campus. One was an atheist the year before in high school. A christian kept bugging him and talking to him about the Lord and eventually after some amazing signs God did he came to the Lord. After committing his life to the Lord, the Lord delivered him from a decade long addiction to pornography. These young believers would sit in the dining halls day after day talking about Jesus to anyone who would listen. At my secular do-whatever-you-want college, droves of students flocked to their tables to hear the gracious words of the Lord being spoken. It was truly miraculous! Lives were changed and chains were broken by God’s grace. All glory to God!

I remember attending one of those sessions. The Spirit had told me to fast a little longer but I was hungry so I went to the dining hall anyways. I was excited to see a believer from the group with students all around the table listening to him talk about the Word. I gathered a plate full of my favorite dining hall foods and took a seat. I was utterly captivated by words that I knew in my spirit were coming straight from the Lord. At the end, everyone around the table noticed I hadn’t touched my food. The Lord had supernaturally filled up my stomach by the speaking of His Word! I returned to my dorm and finished my fast until sun down. On another occasion I was invited by these believers to the Good Friday worship and testimony session and I was asked to pray at one point. The Lord poured out His Spirit on me like never before. One person in the group even saw a tangible manifestation of the Spirit of God on me when I walked in the room. Before that I never had much to say in prayer. However, at that session I prayed in His Spirit like I never had before. I felt like Jesus was really in the room, teaching me how to pray. I was CHANGED after that. I LOVED His Word more than I loved chocolate or my own life, I left secular music for good, got rid of a lot of my possessions and was sold out to Him. I am HIS!

Among other things I am NOT the daughter of a stay at home mom

Among other things I am NOT the daughter of a stay at home mom (my mom has fought against me on wanting to prioritize managing my home since as long as I can remember). In fact I experienced relatively no encouragement to think that there is anything worth doing in the home let alone worth prioritizing. I experienced this almost my entire life except for one Bible study during my senior year of college and except for encouragement from my, now, husband who knew he wanted a wife who had a heart to manage her home and who studied the Word with me during a season of crazy instability for us that I now look back on as life changing. I received NO encouragement from my parents on being a christian (though they loved attending church) and they met my new love of scripture with disgust, constantly urging me to go the way of the world when it comes to how I relate to sex and money or at least incorporate some other religion on the throne of my heart where Jesus alone has His rightful place. They called me names and made threats to get me to stop thirsting after God. At the time I attended that Bible study I wasn’t “allowed” to go to church or Bible study according to my parents. Yes, I had to disobey my parents to worship God with my life and study His Word! Christ came to me and showed me a better way than what I had seen and what I was doing and I am SO grateful He did!

I have several degrees the most recent being the hardest to translate to Biblical homemaking

I have several degrees the most recent being the hardest to translate to Biblical homemaking but the Lord provides! I don’t own a sewing machine (though I’d like to) and I secretly (or not so secretly!) enjoy telling my husband what to do. The reality is that my sin nature is bad for me and Christ is better and I am open to learning Christ and His ways. When I first started dreaming up names for this blog I had ideas for pleasant names like ones based on Psalm 139, etc. However those names were taken. Then the Lord gave me a desire to connect with the christian call to suffering at the hands of a world that hates the gospel. Domain names related to suffering for Jesus and the humiliation that comes with admitting sin were surprisingly (but really not that surprisingly) not taken. Scriptures like the one about the woman at the well or the woman who had lived a sinful life don’t make us look or feel good. But that’s the point.

That’s my point. I don’t look good when you get closer to see the real me. I have fears, regrets, doubts and my flesh hates-I mean hates!-not being at the center of everything hip or praised in this life. The draw outside the gate for me is not that I want to be different, or rejected, or told I am trying to take women back to the 1950’s (more accurately I desire for Christ to take women to a time of untold security, rest and contentment in Him that will last forever and that THIS WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN AND CANNOT OFFER!). The draw to be outside the gate for me is that Jesus is there. The Jesus. The One who is music to my ears, who tickles my spirit when I am feeling low, and who has my heart. I do believe in the One and that Supernatural Man, the Man, is surely the One for me! (sorry sweetheart, but not really, because it’s better for our love and our marriage that I love Him more anyways)

To be real though it gets lonely

To be real though it gets lonely in these streets (hence the lonely road sunset picture). When I was securing my domain name, I called customer service to ask a question. The rep who assisted me asked in order to verify she had heard my domain name correctly, “is it wives outside the gate?” “No,” I said, “just one wife.” Just. One. I chuckled to myself thinking that’s what one should expect outside the gates of popular culture. Solitary solitude. Yet not alone altogether because Jesus is there too. Being a wife while claiming to follow Christ means I just signed up for what the Bible says I should be doing in my marriage and in my life. Who am I to give orders to Jesus about how things (even my own life) should work? Jesus calls the shots and I (with God’s help that I so desperately need!) attempt to make it happen. If I can’t take orders from Him then can I really say I am following Him? Well, really I can say whatever I want, but is it believable that I am His? It’s one thing to be a wife. It’s a completely different thing to be a wife who claims to follow Christ. If I follow Christ, it should be evident in how I approach my role as a wife among other things- meaning it should be evident to anyone checking my life against scripture that I am applying the scriptures of being a wife to my actual life, not making up my own thing and calling it christian (regardless of if my husband or my church supports what I am doing).

When I sign up to follow Jesus outside the city gate,  I surrender my way of doing things, even in being a wife. God has moved mountains in my own life to get me to a point where I see this clearly and I am so convicted by it! I want to call other women to this as well. If we have half as much respect for Jesus as we publicly confess to then we would do well to back it up by searching the scriptures for what God really says about being a wife (not what we would like for Him to say) and then doing it. Period. That said, welcome to my blog and do continue reading at your own risk!